It’s time now my dear…

I don’t want to hate but that’s all you’ve left me with. A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of how we all could live!!!! I guess the love we once had is officially dead!!!

Sincerely,
Jennefer Ekawati Santoso

This is the truth as it is

After spending 5 years in complete agony with the one man that I thought I might have love for the rest of my life. I have decided that it is no longer a very healthy “relationship” anymore. Thus…with all his sudden decision that shocked me, and me thinking only for what it’s worth. Maybe it’s the best to for eternally hate him for being such an idiot on decision making.

So yeah…we pretty much fucked our very own life for 5 years. Trying not to actually kill one another.

It’s for the best. I have tried to move on…and thus moving on I go.

Sincerely,

Jennefer Ekawati Santoso

…

Something Changed

Never thought I’ve worked it out…

Cause there’s nothing to say and no words…and it was so fine and unbelievable…

After a long consideration, envy, rage and trauma. I guess it’s better for me to just…lay low for the time being. Until further notice.

I hope I’ll never have to waste my time in this.

Sincerely,

Jennefer Santoso

ふたりだけでいい　他には誰もいらない
私だけがあなたを満たせるわ
あなたの足に銀の足かせをはめましょう
同じ過ちを犯さないように
愛し子よ　この胸に　脈打つ甘い蜜を吸いなさい
稚い　あなたから　もう二度と目を離したりしない

What to believe?

When you were given life, but only to face hell?

Mortifying the flesh…what else is here?

Dear Love,

Is it a joke? Sometimes I feel tired and bored, with you. Sometimes I feel free, without you near me. But quite often I am craving for your sigh and your warmth that trapped my heart. Will I be able to resist all your temptations?

Have I forgotten? Am I a disgrace by doing so?

Humiliate me! Forgive me! Blame me! But you are the one I shall cherish forever.

Why now? My heart has been swung by your uncertainty. All swept away and hollow unexpectedly. I am the one sunken, and frozen.

You pour me a heating fire, but you put out the fire far too soon. Just when it radiates the heat that warm my soul.

And I don’t want to waste another day attached by all the shadows of my mistakes. But I still feel you flowing underneath my skin, on-to my blood stream, spreading all-over my body. The only thing that holds it back, is that I am already broken. I have been broken so many times, that the shatters are infinite.

Do you still want what’s left of me? The part of me that has been dying inside, little by little.

The faster I fall, the harder I breathe. The more I sunk deeper into denial.

How could you appear on one day, and fade away the day after?

Will I be able to let love go? Am I just delirious? Or am I just too consumed by all the bright-side of love? Will love itself actually understand it’s true meaning, and how it effects my life?

Stranded…pathetic…loveless…vulnerable…sounds familiar? Something that even time won’t ever able to change.

Dear JeNN,

I am wrong, for not being thankful about your feelings, and destroying all your love. But when I remember your presence, your breath, they gave me warmth. All the shining stars will never compare the shine you radiates. I won’t let that shine be subdued by all my pride.

If only, I didn’t desert you from my love, leave you for another. And make you despise me forever, and kill me. Leaving me stranded here.

Dear Pain,

First cut is the deepest. Must you glorified your presence upon me? When will you ever go away and leave me with happiness. Should I just close my eyes and pretend that you are already so far away from me, while in fact that you never leave my side all this time.

Tell me, why is it so hurtful? And yet, the more I’m so attached to you physically, I can seem to momentarily be set free from these emotional pain.

Am I equally blessed and cursed? Cause somehow the two of you stand side by side in my life.

Should I be losing my faith and religion for it? Have I been forsaken once again?

Have I gone mentally insane? Can this be the end of my sorrow? Tell me!

Sincerely yours,
Jennefer Ekawati  Santoso

Is this the price I pay for my crime? Is it wrong? I just wanted to…hold you in my arms!

I miss you…I want you…but I can’t trust myself when I am around you. I am not myself. Will I caved in to your charmed. One thing for sure, sometimes…this love needs no logic vindication. But I want to know…have you ever really loved a woman?

I just wanted to be happy.

This Heart attack…

I never wanted to be the ghost who haunts you
I never wanted to be the devil who misleads you

All I ask for is for you to try…to know me
All I ask for is for you to learn…to love me sincerely

I don’t want to be like a fire…that could burn your heart
I don’t want be the thorns…that could wound you

All I know that I’ve been trying…to be more open
All I know that I’m intending…to speak honestly

But I could always be like a virus that would paralyzed you

What more could I ask for!

I’ve known the truth. Which conceal the lies. Which have been thrown upon me over and over these past agonizing 4 years.

Yours only,
Jennefer Ekawati Santoso

Like a friend?

Don’t bother saying you’re sorry
Why don’t you come in
Smoke all my cigarettes – again
Every time I get no further
How long has it been
Come on in now
Wipe your feet on my dreams

You take up my time
Like some cheap magazine
When I could have been learning something
Oh well, you know what I mean

I’ve done this before
And I will do it again
Come on and kill me baby
while you smile like a friend
And I’ll come running
Just to do it again

You are the last drink I never should drunk
You are the body hidden in the trunk
You are the habit I can’t seem to kick
You are my secrets on the front page every week
You are the car I never should have bought
You are the train I never should have caught
You are the cut that makes me hide my face
You are the party that makes me feel my age

Like a car crash I can see but I just can’t avoid
Like a plane I’ve been told I never should board
Like a film that’s so bad but I’ve gotta stay til the end
Let me tell you now,
It’s lucky for you that we’re friends

Pulp – Like A Friend